My husband’s relatives are visiting from another country over Christmas. The two adults speak English fluently, but they haven’t taught their children — ages 3 and 5 — a word of it. This means that I will not be able to communicate with the children at all and they will be frightened by everyone they meet at holiday events since they won’t understand anything. The parents claim they haven’t taught their children English because they will learn it in school. But they planned this visit a year ago! So, because of their laziness, I will be excluded from many conversations in my own home. I see no point in learning their language since there is no language barrier among the adults. This is not the children’s fault, but their parents’ behavior is annoying and deliberate. How should I handle it?
HOSTESS
I understand that you feel aggrieved. But I don’t think you’re being reasonable here. You may indeed fear exclusion, but I don’t believe it’s because two probably harried parents neglected to teach their children a second language in time for Christmas. They are very young and probably not brilliant conversationalists in any language. What’s really going on?
You rationalize your complaint, in part, by projecting fear onto the children. But why would they be frightened by friendly relatives when they have their parents and your husband to translate for them (and for you, too)? I have watched this dynamic with language barriers play out many times, and I have never witnessed a moment’s trouble — much less heard charges of dereliction leveled at parents.
I suggest you learn a few expressions in the children’s language and ask them to teach you some more, or stock up on puzzles and sticker books to play with them — the universal language of children. And since I assume your deeper complaint here stems from some other facet of your relationship with your visitors, I urge you to discuss it with your husband, not to gripe about young children speaking their native language.
Why Can’t She Just Serve Her Own Bland Food?
A friend invited me to her New Year’s Eve party again this year, and again, she asked me to bring a dish to serve. A potluck! The food she offers herself is undistinguished. Granted, being a hostess is demanding, but my feeling is that if you can’t manage to feed your guests, you shouldn’t invite them. I would never ask mine to supply the repast. I am offended at the thought of buying and cooking food for her party. How can I decline her request to bring food but nevertheless attend the party?
GUEST
Oh, that’s rich! A New Year’s Eve potluck — which seems cozy and communal to me — offends you to the core, and yet you still want to attend? I think that’s a bad idea. You have been openly contemptuous of your friend and her party — a problem I see as graver than serving undistinguished repasts, as you put it. Don’t be hypocritical: Send your regrets and sit this one out.
For Some, ‘Nice Gift’ Is an Oxymoron
I hate gifts! Things have never been my thing, so to speak. I am disheartened by the waste of our consumer culture, and I am fortunate that I can afford to buy the things I want when I need them. Still, I understand that some people enjoy the tradition of generosity and gift giving for the holidays. I am spending Christmas with family at a remote cabin, and the only thing I want is to spend time with the people I care about. May I tell them that or would that offend them?
GIFTED
I receive letters like yours frequently these days. And you put your finger on the central conflict: weighing a desire to communicate your preference for shared experiences over material things against the freedom of others to give gifts as they like. I would use your judgment based on your relationships with the givers in question.
It’s too late to do anything this year, of course. The gifts are bought already. For the future, though, it seems reasonable to discuss your preference for shared time and experiences with family and close friends. Raise the subject in the fall before the shopping season begins, then listen to their responses. You are not in charge of other people. And I would probably avoid the subject with more casual friends: You may strike them as presumptuous or bossy.
Try Thinking of It as Rehoming, Instead
I have no problem with regifting. If you can’t use something, why not pass it on to someone who can? Unfortunately, twice this year, I received holiday gifts that were regifts of things I gave to the givers! A book, obviously unread. And a special bottle of liqueur. I didn’t say anything about it, but should I have?
REGIFTED
I think you did the right thing. Your gifts were tokens of friendship, and your friends’ hearts were (generally) in the right place — even if their gift-giving skills are subpar. This isn’t ideal behavior, of course, but to me, gifts are less important than the true substance of friendship. Now, I might take a different view if your feelings were hurt, but they don’t seem to have been. So, well done on the self-restraint!
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