As buzzy as the term “narcissist” has become in recent years, many people find it too harsh or black-and-white — especially when describing their own parents.
At the same time, they feel stuck. They love their mom, but she dismisses any hint of criticism. They don’t see their dad as a villain, but don’t know why he never calls them, either.
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist, thought of these adult children when she coined the term “emotionally immature parents” and wrote her bestselling book on the topic.
Gibson, who wanted to help adult children stuck in unhealthy relationships with their parents, believed that labels like “toxic” were misleading.
“The parent does have good qualities,” she previously told Business Insider. They might jump into action if their child is sick or needs financial support, for example. “The problem is that those times happen on the parent’s schedule, depending upon how secure or good that parent is feeling about themselves.”
When they aren’t being affectionate, thoughtful, or charming, these parents can blow up, shut down, or simply become MIA at any hint of conflict, making their children feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
Gibson said there are four types of emotionally immature parents. While a parent can be more than one type, she said that most tend to fall into one category. She defines each type by the parent’s “unique methods of coping with emotion and stress.”
She shared the four types of emotionally immature parents — and the effects they have on their kids.
1. Reactive parents
Reactive parents can be perfectly warm and loving — when everything goes their way.
When it doesn’t, they can suddenly become volatile and erratic, getting angry or upset over issues you wouldn’t expect someone to.
Gibson refers to reactive parents as “emotional parents” because they behave like they’re ruled by their feelings.
“They make life so unpleasant when they get upset that people start involuntarily automatically thinking twice before they speak or do something,” Gibson said.
Often, the children of these parents grow up to be people-pleasers, always on the lookout for potential conflict to stamp out. They may also have a hard time setting boundaries or even disentangling their feelings from their parents’, instead prioritizing peacekeeping.
2. Highly critical parents
Highly critical parents are perfectionists who nitpick at everything their child does. Gibson also calls them “driven” parents, because “they’re always going after something.”
In childhood, they may pick apart your grades or gymnastics performance. In adulthood, it can evolve into judging your job, lifestyle, or appearance.
“They can be very pushy and very controlling,” Gibson said, not caring about the impact their words have on you. “It’s coming from a belief that in order to be anybody or accomplish anything, you’ve got to really have that drive and keep on trying to be perfect, otherwise you’re likely to be a total failure.”
Children of highly critical parents can end up burning out or choosing careers they don’t like, simply because their parents would disapprove of their passions.
3. Passive parents
Passive parents are often the “fun” parents. In fact, they tend to be the most emotionally present out of all four types, Gibson said. They’re at their best when they’re playing a game with you or taking you to an amusement park.
“The problem is that they are just kind of passive in their role as a parent,” Gibson said. When faced with more challenging aspects of parenthood, like pushing back if their spouse screams at their child, they step back. They might literally leave the room as abuse happens.
“They don’t seem to feel that protective need to step in to help the child,” Gibson said.
When their child exhibits any uncomfortable emotions, such as anger or fear, the passive parent doesn’t comfort or even acknowledge them. They might even deny a child’s abuse allegations because it would complicate the family dynamic to confront the other parent or another relative.
Because they learn to hide their feelings — and receive no guidance on how to resolve conflict effectively — it’s harder for them to have healthy relationships later in life, Gibson said.
4. Emotionally absent parents
Emotionally absent parents act like their child doesn’t exist. Gibson calls them “rejecting” parents because they’re unable to respond to their child’s emotional needs.
“That child feels not important enough to command the parent’s attention,” she said. It can cause issues in a child’s self-esteem.
Kids of emotionally absent parents are so used to accepting the bare minimum from people that they might not have high standards for their partners or friends, Gibson said, continuing to gravitate to people who ignore them. Or, they may later date potentially manipulative people who finally give them the focus they’ve always craved (for their own nefarious reasons).
Dealing with emotionally immature parents
If you recognize your parent in any of these, there are a few things you can do to become less enmeshed.
You can set boundaries with a parent by slowing down your speech and calmly restating your needs. If you’re always being criticized, you can practice the “gray rock method,” giving unemotional, neutral responses to keep drama at bay.
If those tactics are too challenging or you feel physically unsafe around your parent, you can consider lowering your contact or completely cutting ties.
Even if it’s tough at first, it’s always possible to break the cycle by standing your ground and focusing on healthier relationships in your life.
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