I’m heading to Chicago to visit my father-in-law for the holidays, and looking forward to it: We have an easy, jokey relationship.
While many people, like me, are devoted to their in-laws, this column is for everybody else — those who endure their in-laws, whether they’re brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers.
Relationships with in-laws can be tricky for a number of reasons, said Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan and professor of behavioral medicine at Touro University. You may have different backgrounds or values, he said. You didn’t choose them, but your lives are intertwined.
And while people may have friction within their own families, they still share a history, Dr. Gardere said. “Blood relatives have permission to disagree or bicker, whereas with in-laws, we can be a bit more guarded,” he added.
You don’t have to be best friends with your in-laws, Dr. Gardere said, but you can make it your goal to get along. It’s OK, he said, to “aim for being cordial and not perfect.” Your base line should be “civility and respect,” he added.
If the prospect of seeing your in-laws doesn’t fill you with holiday cheer, experts shared advice on how to make your visit easier.
Set up a game plan.
Eliminate potential tensions before your visit if you can, said Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist and the author of “You, Your Husband & His Mother.”
Imagine your areas of discomfort in advance and brainstorm solutions. If certain topics often lead to arguments, declare them off limits. If your in-law reliably brings up something that annoys you, have some rehearsed, neutral responses ready, Dr. Dalgleish advised.
If, for example, your mother-in-law always makes comments about your parenting, she said: “You might say, ‘I understand your concerns, but parenting looks different today. Would you be open to hearing what we’re doing and why?’”
Whatever you do, present a united front with your partner, Dr. Dalgleish said, so that one of you “doesn’t end up being the bad guy or the scapegoat.”
You might even touch base with your in-laws before a visit, Dr. Dalgleish said. “It can be as easy as ‘Hey, we know the holidays are coming up and we wanted to know what your wishes are, and what you hope to do this year,’” she said. This small gesture sets the stage for cordiality.
Make in-laws feel included.
A good rule of thumb, Dr. Gardere said, is to look for common ground, as well as anything you appreciate about your in-law.
Ask yourself if there are any needs that your in-law can fill, he added. Maybe your siblings aren’t into running, but your brother-in-law is; or your family groans at your jokes, but your sister-in-law thinks you’re hilarious. Perhaps your mother- or father-in-law has a family recipe that they can teach you.
And when you’re all together, be mindful of ways you may be excluding your in-laws, such as making inside jokes, Dr. Gardere said. Instead, keep the conversation as inclusive as possible. “And if you’re talking about family history, take the time to explain to them what you’re discussing,” he said.
Making in-laws feel like they’re not part of the gang reinforces tensions. An extreme example: One of Dr. Dalgleish’s clients said that her mother-in-law “asked her to step out of the family photo and then sent that family photo out to everybody for Christmas.”
Take sanity breaks.
You can’t control other people, but “it helps a lot to try and manage your own mood,” said Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge and the author of “Grandparenting.”
If alcohol makes you quicker to argue, for example, set limits on how much you’ll drink, Dr. Apter said. It’s also fine to duck out for a solo walk if you find yourself getting wound up, she added.
And if you need to vent about your mother-in-law’s latest jab at you, Dr. Dalgleish recommended firing off a stealthy text to your best friend or group chat. This can provide instant relief and empathy, and it’s less fraught than unloading on a family member, she added.
You can also try this trick from my friend: Tell your in-laws that you’re an early bird, and retire right after dinner. “I’m actually a night bird,” she told me. “They don’t know that I’m in bed for hours looking at Instagram reels.”
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Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
The post Dreading Another Holiday With the In-Laws? Here’s What to Do. appeared first on New York Times.
