Girls must turn over and die and be born again into women, my mother once said. I didn’t want to become a woman. I wanted to stay a girl. But my body changed, and it began to leave childhood without my permission.
I am intrigued by origin stories. How things happen, what the circumstances were that led to one’s big moment. One summer, my younger sister and I went on a diet. Eventually, she stopped. I did not. Losing weight was like pausing the clock, halting the changes that were happening to my body against my will. It felt like the most powerful thing ever.
At my lowest weight, I asked my psychiatrist if I was the skinniest person he’d ever seen. I took pride in being that skinny — shockingly skinny. It was like giving the middle finger to mother nature, to turning into a woman, to growing up. I had found a solution.
Women and girls often turn their bodies into projects: changing their hair, their makeup, their clothes, their weight. We’re often told to erase parts of ourselves in the hopes of being told we are enough. Some girls feel the influence of such messages more than others. I was the ideal candidate.
The short film above, “Am I the Skinniest Person You’ve Ever Seen?” depicts my struggles with anorexia, but this story is not unique to me. I want to tell my story so that girls and women who are going through — or who have gone through — something similar might feel less alone.
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Eisha Marjara is an author and a filmmaker based in Canada.
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