My 29-year-old son has been dating his girlfriend for nearly three years. She must be wondering when they’ll move in together and get engaged. My son is not sure that “she’s the one,” but he hasn’t told her that. His reluctance to take their relationship to the next level is an indication, of course, but apparently, his girlfriend does not see this as a red flag. I assume that’s because she thinks things will change. I am very concerned for her: She’s 30 and wants marriage and children. I have told my son that he should end the relationship if he cares about her. Still, it continues. My husband says that I should stay out of this, but I’m wondering if I should push harder for my son to end things. Your thoughts?
MOTHER
I know you want to help. You also seem to have convinced yourself — in the absence of any request for advice or assistance from anyone — that intervening in your son’s relationship is required for his girlfriend’s long-term happiness. But no one has even whispered that she’s dissatisfied. To me, this looks like late-stage helicopter parenting: hovering so closely over your adult child that you also seek to control his romantic partner and their domestic timeline.
Now, you’ve expressed these desires in altruistic terms: Let’s save the girlfriend! And that would be a generous impulse if your son’s girlfriend wanted saving. But I believe we should give a 30-year-old woman the agency to conduct her own affairs. Or at least let her own friends and family be the ones to meddle in them. Even if she has asked for your advice, which does not seem to be the case, send her to a neutral party for help — like a therapist or a couple’s counselor.
I acknowledge the implicit premise that, in retrospect, many people believe they stayed too long in relationships. But ending love affairs is not a decision we get to make for other people. I hope your son and his girlfriend are communicating well. But projecting your assumptions onto them is not helpful. My advice for you is to back off and to work on creating healthier boundaries with your 29-year-old son instead.
Just an Early Jump on the Truth
My late brother had a son with another woman while he was married to his wife and now widow. We didn’t know anything about it. This nephew has since revealed himself to me, my children and my late brother’s children, and we have all come to love and accept him. Now he wants to introduce himself to my brother’s widow. She may accept him, as he hopes, but I expect she will be shocked and hurt by her husband’s infidelity and reject him. Should I discourage my nephew from telling her?
BROTHER
A secret, as my mother always said, is only a head start. The truth comes out eventually, and now that so many members of your family know about your brother’s son, it is probably just a matter of time before your sister-in-law learns about him, too. So, to your question: I suspect it won’t matter in the long run what you say to your nephew.
Still, assuming this revelation will be painful to your sister-in-law, it may be kinder for one of her children — or someone else with whom she is close — to break the news to her and to ask her if she wants to meet her husband’s son. None of this is his fault, of course. But it’s not her fault, either. And she has no obligation to meet the child of her husband’s extramarital affair.
To Get Some Closure, Open the Bidding
Last year, I had a sudden and devastating breakup with a friend. My former friend, who was the one to decide to end our relationship, is an artist. I own two artworks by her; I bought one, and she gave me the other. I feel a knot in my stomach every time I look at them. Now, I’m moving house and need to cull my belongings. May I sell the art at an auction house, or would that seem meanspirited if my former friend found out?
FRIEND
I’m sorry for the loss of your friendship. That can be hard. So, I’m wondering: Why are you still worrying about the reaction of a person who told you she no longer wants you in her life? If you believe your former friend would want these pieces back — and you still care about that — you could write her a letter and offer to sell them to her. (This seems unduly messy to me, but it’s an option.)
Otherwise, sell whatever possessions you like at auction. That’s your right, and under the circumstances, there is nothing meanspirited about it.
T.M.I. or T.L.C.?
I often think about a job I had three years ago and the things I might have done better. In particular, I ran a workshop and overshared some personal information: I was grieving the loss of a pregnancy, and I fear I made others uncomfortable. Should I reach out to apologize to them?
CO-WORKER
Here’s what I’d like you to do: Stop punishing yourself! Whenever you think about that workshop, look in the mirror and say: “I made it through a really rough time with only minor inconvenience to others. Good job!”
The post Should I Press My Adult Son to Break Up With His Girlfriend? appeared first on New York Times.
