My husband and I have been together for 35 years. At first, his large family was open to us as a same-sex couple. But as they became more involved with an extreme religious group, we felt less welcome in their homes. Eventually, we cut ties with many of them. One of our nieces with whom we remain close told us that our 16-year-old grandniece recently came out as gay. She was asked to leave home by her mother. She moved in with her father (her mother’s ex-husband), but she is still dealing with recriminations from the family. We want to support her, and we think we could help her navigate the coming-out process. The problem: The girl has no idea we exist; apparently, we were written out of the family story. We know her family would not want us to be involved, and we would hate to cause trouble for the niece who told us. Should we reach out to the girl or wait until she is an adult at 18?
UNCLE
Call your grandniece now! She is a young person who was rejected by her mother: If she needs support, she needs it today — not in two years’ time. As for your involvement, who cares about the reaction of adults who would throw a child out of her home? And there’s no reason to tell anyone the source of your information. Now, your grandniece may be wary of two uncles she’s never met. But that’s a risk worth taking in the face of her mother’s cruelty.
Call or write your grandniece at her father’s house. Share your story with her and let her know she can confirm it with her aunt. Invite her to a meal or a coffee or a walk in the park — whatever she’s comfortable with. I expect she will welcome the invitation, but she may not be ready for it yet, so don’t be upset if she needs some time to process.
One of the great strokes of good fortune in my life has been having an uncle who modeled a loving gay relationship for me since childhood. And when I was your grandniece’s age, he became a steady source of emotional support, too. I wish the same for your grandniece. Get back in touch if you need help, OK?
Can’t I Just Swab a Deck or Something?
I have a couple of friends who own boats. They often invite a dozen or so friends to spend the day on the water. They typically ask us to pitch in $10 or $15 toward the slip, gas and other associated costs. One owner did some renovations recently and upped the suggested contribution to $25. I’ve always felt uncomfortable being asked to subsidize the cost of boats. You can count on me to bring plenty of snacks and stay afterward to help clean up, but this price increase rubs me the wrong way. Doesn’t it seem excessive?
GUEST
You seem not to understand how invitations work: “No, thanks” is an A-OK response. So, if an invitation rubs you the wrong way — or doesn’t “sit right” with you, or feels like a “cash grab,” to quote some of the greatest hits from my mailbag — just say no.
I’m sure some readers will agree with you that hosts asking for money is the height of rudeness. (They, too, can refuse these invitations!) For me, though, the better path is for hosts to create the gatherings they want, and for guests to accept or decline them. No need to grouse.
It’s Jack, Rose and That Door All Over Again
While on vacation, my wife and I ran into a professional acquaintance of mine. As we chatted, we discovered that we planned to attend the same outdoor movie that night. (The location is idyllic, and my wife and I love to bring a picnic beforehand.) My acquaintance asked to join us, but I didn’t want him to. So, in a panic, I said that our blanket was too small to accommodate an extra person. My wife thinks I was incredibly rude, but I think my acquaintance was rude to invite himself. Who is right?
HUSBAND
Well, as excuses go, the too-small picnic blanket is pretty feeble. But you were on the spot, and no one sticks the landing every time. And while I don’t think your acquaintance did anything wrong by inviting you to go to the film together, you were under no obligation to accept.
The next time something like this happens, beg off by telling the other person that you and your wife have some things to discuss. You’re entitled to private time. (Note: This excuse works like a dream whenever someone asks to crash your party.)
Girl, So Confusing
I’m 14. There’s this girl in my class I like, but she gives off iffy vibes: One day, she’ll be really into me, and the next, she’ll totally ignore me. It drives me nuts! Please help.
CONFUSED
Having a crush can be a delicious kind of agony: Does this person (whom I don’t know all that well) like me back? If you’re ready to find out, there is no better way than hanging out together: Ask her to have lunch one day or to get an Icee after school. It will take bravery, but the picture will become much clearer. Good luck!
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