My nephew has been estranged from his parents for three years after they had some difficult conversations. I don’t know all the details, and I have tried to remain neutral. When my nephew married, his parents were not at the wedding. Then he and his wife moved several hours away. They now have an infant son, and as far as I know, my sister and her husband are unaware of their grandchild’s existence. My nephew and I keep in touch. I suggested he tell his parents about the baby, but I don’t know if he did. I feel disloyal to my sister, withholding this news. In her position, I would want to know about the baby. But I don’t have my nephew’s permission to tell her, and he may object. Complicating matters: I have issues with my sister, and we are barely speaking. What should I do?
AUNT
I know how comforting it can be to imagine that every conflict has a happy solution. (It’s why I have a job!) But that’s not always the case. Here, the estrangement is probably more complicated than a few rough conversations. And while telling your sister about the baby may assuage your guilt, it will do little to help anyone else: Your nephew and his parents will still be estranged.
You can always ask your nephew for permission to tell his mother, right? But you don’t seem particularly well placed to get involved here: You rarely speak to your sister, after all, and by your own account, you don’t know the full story of the conflict between your nephew and his parents, or even whether your sister knows about the baby already.
Still, I admire your desire to help, and I sympathize with your feelings of discomfort. In your place, I would suggest to your sister and your nephew that they might benefit from family therapy. (The baby may give both sides an incentive to reconcile.) But I wouldn’t go beyond that or start shuttling messages between them. As hard as it is to acknowledge, sometimes estrangement is the healthiest outcome. And without closer involvement, you aren’t in a position to know.
Sorry About Dad’s Kind Gesture: He Didn’t Mean It
I went on an international vacation with my fiancé’s extended family. His uncle arranged the trip. He also treated everyone to a lovely dinner at our resort. During the meal, he expressed his gratitude for family time and insisted on covering the cost of dinner. But a few days later, his daughter reached out to everyone, requesting that we reimburse her father for the meal at a cost of $100 per person. I am uncomfortable paying for a meal that my fiancé’s uncle said he would pay for. How should we handle this without creating tension?
FIANCÉE
What an odd twist! The uncle announced that dinner was on him, then his daughter pulled a U-turn. If you weren’t going to see these people again, I would ignore the request for payment. But you will! They will be part of your extended family once you get married, so it’s worth taking extra care here.
Have you consulted your fiancé and his parents, who have a longer history with this uncle? Is he prone to grand gestures that he later rescinds? Is his daughter known for butting in? Big picture: You have just returned from a not-inexpensive-sounding vacation. So, while you may be right, I wouldn’t go to war with soon-to-be relatives over $100. (But I would be cautious about future financial dealings with them.)
Can’t We All Just Get Away?
For my 60th birthday, I gave a destination party. I invited a dozen close friends and relatives. When I invited one friend, I mentioned that another friend was coming. The friend I was inviting declined immediately. She said she didn’t like my other friend and didn’t want to spend time with her. I was taken aback but said nothing. Had our roles been reversed, I would simply have said that my calendar was too crowded. My feelings about this friend have shifted since our exchange. Advice?
BIRTHDAY BOY
Hosts of destination events sometimes lose sight of what they are asking of their guests: days of leisure time, the expense of travel and lodging, and extended contact with other guests. That’s a lot! So, it strikes me as a little self-centered that you begrudge your friend her directness. Of course, she could have been more tactful — just as you could have made your invitation in a way that didn’t put her on the spot. Spoiler: Not all of our friends get along! I would let this go.
Forget the Bride, I’m the One Blushing!
My brother, 71, is preparing for his fourth marriage. The wedding is scheduled for next month at our local courthouse. I am wondering whether a gift, a card or both would be suitable — and in good taste — for this occasion. Any advice?
SISTER
I went to a birthday party for a dog this summer. Silly, right? But the hosts were so happy! Who am I to judge? The same goes for your brother: You may feel squeamish about the number of times he’s been married. But if he’s happy (and legally divorced from his third spouse), wish him well. Send the couple a congratulatory card or take them to a celebratory dinner. He’s your brother!
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