Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
‘Now, Where Was I?’
Jon Stewart returned to “The Daily Show” on Monday, nearly nine years after he signed off as host.
“Welcome to ‘The Daily Show.’ My name’s Jon Stewart,” said Stewart, who will host Monday nights for the foreseeable future. “Now where was I?”
“Why am I back, you may be asking yourselves. It’s a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes. From what I understand, talk show hosts are granted immunity — it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but take it up with the founders.” — JON STEWART
“We’re going to have so much we are going to talk about this year. Obviously, the elections, maybe we’ll talk about China, maybe we’ll talk about A.I., maybe something a little lighter, Israel-Palestine. Who knows?” — JON STEWART
Stewart, who received a warm welcome from the studio audience, addressed the state of the presidential election, with a focus on differentiating between President Biden and former President Donald Trump, who both face questions about their age and ability to lead. The next nine months, Stewart said, “they’re going to suck.”
“Look, Joe Biden isn’t Donald Trump. He hasn’t been indicted as many times, he hasn’t had as many fraudulent businesses or been convicted in a civil trial for sexual assault or been ordered to pay defamation, have his charities disbanded, or stiffed a [expletive] ton of blue-collar tradesmen he hired.” — JON STEWART
“We are not suggesting neither man is vibrant, productive or even capable, but they are both stretching the limits of being able to handle the toughest job in the world. What’s crazy is thinking that we’re the ones, as voters, who must silence concerns and criticisms. It is the candidates’ job to assuage concerns, not the voters’ job not to mention them.” — JON STEWART
“I’ve learned one thing over these last nine years, and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this: The work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pail [expletive] job, day in and day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen and grind away on issues until they get a positive result, and even then, have to stay on to make sure that result holds. So, the good news is, I’m not saying you don’t have to worry about who wins the election. I’m saying you have to worry about every day before it and every day after, forever. Although, on the plus side, I am told that at some point, the sun will run out of hydrogen.” — JON STEWART
The Punchiest Punchlines (Super Long Super Bowl Edition)
“Last night was just the second Super Bowl to ever go into overtime. Yeah. Once the game passed four hours, everyone hosting a party was like, ‘This was a mistake.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Last night’s game was over four hours long. Fans were like, ‘Who directed this, Martin Scorsese?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“This was only the second overtime in Super Bowl history. It was a disappointing night for the 49ers and their quarterback, Brock Purdy, who played very well, especially considering the fact that Brock Purdy is only 12 years old. He really wanted to go Disneyland, but it was not to be.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“The game was so long that people were drunk in the first quarter and hung over by the trophy presentation.” — JIMMY FALLON
“There were a lot of notable Super Bowl commercials. Well, one question I had is: Where did Jesus get $7 million for a Super Bowl ad? Can he turn water into money also?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“The game had a thrilling finish in overtime, but it started off kind of slow. Apparently, both teams had a hard time focusing after seeing that R.F.K. Jr. commercial.” — JIMMY FALLON
“A super PAC supporting independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. aired a commercial last night during the Super Bowl. So did his opponent, Pfizer.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
Sophie Ellis-Bextor performed her hit song, “Murder on the Dancefloor,” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Matt Damon will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show” after appearing in a Super Bowl commercial with Ben Affleck Tom Brady and Jennifer Lopez.