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Happy Wednesday, everybody. So let’s talk fashion. Yeah, everyone was ragging on Senator Kyrsten Sinema for that bright yellow dress last night. I thought it looked great once she peeled off the sticker that said Chiquita. But I love, I love that banana look, that’s how you put the ass in potassium. And you can’t fault her for wearing shoulder pads during Super Bowl week. By the way, I own that same dress, and she totally wore it better. I look like a fire hydrant, I had to stop wearing it after two dogs peed on me in Central Park, I didn’t mind.
So I guess we should do the State of the Union, I know it’s news, but it’s not news to me or to you, really? Maybe you used those 72-minutes while Biden was speaking to do something better with your time, like rubbing your grandfather’s bunion or retrieving that dead mouse from behind your fridge. I taught my dog Gus, how to poop on command when he hears the word Pelosi because one good turd deserves another. Now, if I can get him to stop humping legs when he hears the word Cuomo. But if you didn’t see the speech, here’s a summary of what you missed.
Actually, that guy moves faster. Biden said a bunch of stuff that wasn’t true, and Republicans called him out for being more full of crap than Joy Behar after night of scotch and Taco Bell. That’s a bad mix. Roll it Ramon.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Some Republicans want Medicare and Social Security sunset. I’m not saying it’s a majority… That means Congress doesn’t vote well, I’m glad… Fentanyl is killing more than 70,000 Americans a year. You got it?
Also, for some reason Dr. Jill gave Kamala’s husband mouth-to-mouth, and he wasn’t even unconscious, makes you wonder about the state of their union, we’ll be right back. As for the whole affair, what was once a unifying exercise is now just a batting cage for political campaign rhetoric, and it’s done in a way that’s less real than Madonna’s face. Just listen.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Would we stand for in the most basic of principles? Would we stand for sovereignty? Would we stand for the right of people to live free of tyranny? Would we stand for the defense of democracy?
Yeah, whatever, but what’s the problem here? I mean, it’s so obvious, but no one ever says it. No one talks like this anymore. Our so-called leaders still sound like they’re emoting to their audience, like they’re at a train stop in 1860. The words are like Joe himself, they’re dusty, musty, and when sniffing the head of a child lusty.
It’s always weird because Joe’s yelling never, ever matches the content itself, it’s as if the Hall of Presidents at Disney suddenly started faking orgasms. But I’m starting to think that no one ever talked like this, ever. And even when he wasn’t faking sincerity, Joe was a mess. But make no mistake, if we try to raise the cost of —-, he will veto it.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Make no mistake, if you try anything to raise the cost of —-, I will veto it.
I’m glad we cleared that up. Those —-, they’re getting really expensive. I can’t, I can’t afford my —–. But political speech is weird where it’s granted immunity from the demands of truth, and it’s especially noticeable when the speaker claims to be for unity as he lies about the other side’s intent and if you dare question that, then you’re being uncivil.
But there’s less truth in last night’s speech than in a brochure for penile enlargement. What of a rip off that was, and it’s why all that jeering from Republicans were a sign of progress. It’s 2023 smothering 1853 with a MyPillow, because we should no longer respect the artifice of this manufactured oratory, especially when all it does is regurgitate platitudes. Hell, imagine if someone talked like that in everyday life.
ACTOR 1: I know speed dating isn’t easy, but how about you guys tell me about yourselves?
ACTOR 2: Well, Brenda, thank you so much for that great question. I think my record speaks for itself. I’m all about solutions, unlike my opponent here. Voters agree my charm is undeniable. I also support the troops. Thank you so much for your time. God bless America.
ACTOR 1: Okay. How about you?
ACTOR 3: You know, I’m taking things slow. Just trying to find the right woman for me, and we’ll see where things go. Really?
ACTOR 1: Okay. I’ve made my decision, guy number one.
ACTOR 3: What? Are you kidding me? This guy’s so fake. Did you not see that?
ACTOR 1: Well, you’re not wearing any pants.
ACTOR 3: They said bottomless brunch, bottomless.
I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t see that coming. Okay. So the heckling last night may just be a natural evolution. Humans moving away from nonhuman behavior and moving toward something real. It’s why Trump worked, the stories about water pressure and Rosie O’Donnell. Tell me this wasn’t relatable.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Sinks, toilets and showers you don’t get any water. How about the shower? You go into a shower, and I have this beautiful head of hair I need a lot of water, and you go into the shower, right? You turn on the water, drip, drip, drip.
Yeah, he could rattle off a lie or two, but they were his because he wasn’t a politician armed with political speech. A political speech is not designed to share information, it’s designed to hide the truth and confuse issues to make you wonder what the meaning of the word “is” is. But when you speak like a human, other humans can understand you.
So while a lot of people are criticizing the Republicans for heckling, at least that —- is easily understood. You lie about me, I’m going to call you out on it, whether you’re the president or a mindless old fart or both.
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