Dear Newsweek, I am the father of the sweetest seven-and-a-half-year-old girl. I have Autism Spectrum Disorder, depression, severe anxiety, OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder], ADHD, PTSD, and I live with fibromyalgia and arthritis pain. Needless to say, my life can be quite tricky to navigate at times.
I suspect my daughter may also be in on the spectrum, and there has always been this inexplicable bond between us beyond father and daughter. We actually GET each other.
In 2018, I was a single father living my best life with my little girl, until I was arrested in Texas for possession of marijuana concentrates. Cannabis has always helped me both with pain, anxiety, and social awkwardness. In Texas, concentrated marijuana is treated the same as crack, heroin, or any other ‘hard drug.’ That means that for 4 grams of wax and gummy bears, I was looking at possibly up to 95 years in prison.
It ruined my life. While I was incarcerated, my ex and her family filed a bunch of motions and court dates they knew I couldn’t attend, and within a week, I was served paperwork informing me that I had lost custody, and they were trying to completely terminate my parental rights. They moved my daughter from Texas up to Colorado to be with her mom and her mom’s boyfriend. I was devastated.
After being together for her first three years, I wasn’t able to even speak to my daughter for eight very long miserable months.
When I was released I couldn’t afford another lawyer, so I represented myself. They spent almost $30k on attorneys while I spent months in the law library at the courthouse studying.
I was driving when I received the decision, so I pulled over knowing that good news or bad, I was going to need a few minutes. I. Won. Not full custody, but I could now visit her.
Fast forward almost three years and after saving, working two jobs, finishing 300+ hours of community service, and paying my $10,000 fine, my probation let me transfer to live in Colorado with my daughter! I got the call on my birthday. I couldn’t have been happier.
I had to stop being fulltime caregiver to my parents who are disabled, which broke my heart, but I had to see my daughter. I have been in heaven in Colorado seeing my daughter every day, picking her up from school and taking her to class parties.
This past weekend my ex and her family decided that they are moving my daughter back to Texas during Christmas break. They told me the day after my father died, reasoning that my ex-parents-in-law can give my daughter a better life.
So here I am. Trying my best and failing. Losing the little girl I have been through so much to get back to normal with. I cannot afford to take them back to court.
Instead, I have to begin to deal with this anxiety and the sickening feeling of loss of both my father and now my daughter. I’m falling apart inside and I don’t know what to do.
Daniel V, Colorado
File for Joint Custody of Your Daughter
Derek Jacques is a divorce and family law attorney with the Mitten Law Firm, in Southgate, Michigan.
First off, my condolences on the loss of your father. Losing a parent is always difficult, and there are grief support groups that can help you. I understand the fact that you are socially different can make that challenging, but there are people there that are deeply understanding of all issues, both spectrum-related and otherwise.
Regarding the challenge you are facing regarding custody of your daughter, I would seek the help of Texas legal aid. Fortunately for you, Texas, like some other states, assumes that “joint management of custody” is what is in the best interests of all involved. Also, there are only two major things that will move the court away from this assumption: violence and absenteeism. You have not had a violent incident, and you have been present in your daughter’s life every moment you have been able to. That being said, the legal aid attorneys in Texas will be able to help you navigate a joint custody arrangement with your child’s mother. One point I would be sure to bring up was the underhanded way in which the child’s mother attempted to get custody while you were incarcerated on the marijuana charges.
You have paid your debt to society for those charges. While it may come up in the hearings, a good attorney will be able to get the court to focus on the issue at hand, which is what is in the best interest of your daughter. She clearly loves you very much, and any good lawyer will be able to make the argument that it would do irreparable harm to her to have your time with her limited.
I also want to say that I would be proud of yourself for all that you have overcome. I believe wholeheartedly that any family court would see you as a father that loves his child deeply and does everything he can to give her a great life.
I wish you and your daughter all the best of luck going forward.
Move to Texas, Be With Your Daughter
Sandra Radna is a New York-based attorney and author of ‘You’re Getting Divorced …Now What?’
What you accomplished without the assistance of an attorney is remarkable. Through your efforts, you regained parenting time with your daughter and rebuilt your relationship with her after three years apart.
Since her mother has custody, the courts will likely permit her to decide where your daughter lives. If she moves to Texas, the best way for you to maintain your relationship with your daughter is to move to Texas as well.
Unfortunately, without an agreement, the only way for you to continue to have parenting time with your daughter is through court.
In court, you may request that the parenting time schedule that was in place in Colorado be honored by the court in Texas. For the best possible results, it is advisable to retain an attorney. You may check with the Texas Legal Aid Society and Pro-Bono attorneys in the local area for legal representation at a reduced cost, or no cost at all, with regard to the issues of custody and parenting time. Don’t give up.
Go to a Therapist and Seek Help for Your Anxiety and OCD
Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a clinical psychologist and author of ‘Nervous Energy Harness the Power of Your Anxiety’ and ‘Dr Chloe’s Ten Commandments of Dating’
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your heartfelt note. As a parent, my heart goes out to you.
Since you are clear that seeing your daughter has felt like “heaven,” perhaps attempt to transfer back to Texas? You were able to get approval to follow your daughter from Texas to Colorado, so why not try for a transfer back now? I understand you don’t have the funds for a lawsuit to keep her in Colorado, but it sounds like this may be worth a move back to Texas for you.
Given the many diagnoses that you mentioned, I would really urge you to work closely with your therapist. With that said, I will also share that the healthy function of anxiety is to stimulate preparation behaviors. I know you mentioned severe struggles with anxiety and OCD, so in tandem with your therapist, I would encourage you to find healthy ways to channel that anxious energy into constructive behaviors around arrangements to be near your daughter.
You didn’t share much about your relationship with your late father, but I would encourage you to give yourself plenty of opportunities to rest during your bereavement. Many times, we need extra sleep or downtime while we are sorting through heavy issues.
Whatever you decide, I hope you will engage deeply with therapy. It will help you to deal with grief over your father’s death as well as feelings about your custody situation; plus it will give you support with the many mental health conditions you listed. If you are already in therapy, you might consider increasing your session frequency during this particularly difficult situation you are currently navigating. Also consider journaling your thoughts and feelings between sessions and then reading them during session. This can be a productive way to bridge the growth and support that happens during therapy into your everyday life.
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