As we first heard back in “What It Takes,” Caroline — mother to the three younger Roy kids — is getting married in Tuscany, and we’re all invited! Caroline is completely unbothered about the war between Logan and Kendall — one senses this isn’t the first time she’s found herself in the middle of one of Logan’s feuds — and since Logan has gotten to her first to say he doesn’t want to cross paths with Kendall, she airily passes this on to Kendall. Since Kendall’s Succession Season 3 specialty is making public occasions extremely uncomfortable, he confronts Logan at a cocktail party and demands a private dinner that night. Logan doesn’t attend in Roman’s suggested “stab vest,” as far as we know…
…but he does bring his entourage: because of his health-related dietary restrictions, they also brought food for him. Kendall, insulted, says that his chef ran the menu past Logan’s doctor for exactly that reason. When the dishes come out and Kendall specifies which is for his father, Logan makes Kendall’s son Iverson his royal taster. Kendall is appalled that Logan could think Kendall would actually poison him — “I’ll be broken when you die,” he declares, which might mean more if Kendall were not very obviously broken already — but then gets to business: he will take that buyout offer from his birthday card. Logan claims the note in his card was “for fun.” Kendall intones that he thought he could change Waystar, but that Logan’s corruption has let him win the day: “Pay up and let me out. I don’t want to be you. I’m a good guy.” SEEMS LIKE KENDALL SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED WHO HELPED HIM COVER UP HIS MANSLAUGHTER AT THE LAST WEDDING HE ATTENDED BEFORE TRYING THIS SHIT, but since he hasn’t, Logan reminds him: “How long was that kid alive before he started sucking in water? Couple of minutes? Three, four, five?” Kendall impotently repeats that he’s better than Logan. “Sure,” Logan replies. “You’re my son. I did my best. And whenever you fucked up, I cleaned up your shit. And I’m a bad person? Fuck off, kiddo.” Clearly they’re both bad people, but only one of them has no illusions about it.
Matsson remains an unpredictable nihilist with a penchant for wilding out on social media (hmm, sound like any eccentric tech billionaires you know?), and not long after everyone’s landed in Tuscany, Karolina sends his latest tweet to the group text: Matsson, surrounded by horseshoes and four-leaf clovers with coins flying out of his open mouth, captioned, “Going to Macau. Feeling lucky.”
The top teamsters all worry that he’s talking to another possible buyer, and apparently they’re not the only ones, as GoJo’s stock price goes up. Waystar can’t afford to lose the deal, so Roman is dispatched to Matsson’s nearby lake house. Matsson is in a philosophical mood, wondering what Roman is worst at and musing that he’s now bored by success and compelled by failure. Roman attempts to clear the fog by asking straight out if Matsson’s still interested in Waystar’s offer; he is — but since he’s “a little Swedish,” he’d prefer the deal be more equitable…
…and when Roman rejoins the rest of the top team at a bank in Milan, he’s convinced Logan will never go for a “merger of equals.” Gerri urges Roman to pitch it anyway, and everyone in the room can see the upside of GoJo’s plans to get into live sports and online betting — not to mention that they can’t afford to ditch the deal now. Gerri texts her protégé: “Well done, Roman.” Evidently Roman didn’t take it seriously earlier when Gerri asked him to stop sending her dick pics, and shoots back, “Dinner to celebrate, Gerri? Eat this,” meaning the…attached dick pic. Except Roman doesn’t send it to Gerri; he sends it to Logan. Roman realizes his error almost immediately, which is still too late.
When Logan storms out, Shiv follows to turn the crisis into an opportunity: Roman’s weird about Gerri, everyone knows it, and it could be a problem. Shiv leaves, and a very sheepish Roman joins Logan, denying that he is, as Logan puts it, “a sicko.” Logan hates the idea of Roman harboring sexual feelings for Gerri: “She’s a million years old. It’s fucking disgusting. You’re a laughingstock.” (Cue Twitter’s Gerri hive, putting out a hit on Logan.) In light of all this, Logan doesn’t want Gerri “hanging around like frozen fucking piss.” Realizing what this means, Roman gently notes that, while he’s not a “radical feminist,” he doesn’t think Gerri should get fired for receiving a picture of his penis. But meanwhile, down the hall, Shiv is not-so-subtly threatening Gerri’s job. See, if Gerri doesn’t file a formal complaint against Roman, it’s going to look like Gerri was happy to receive Roman’s dick pics. And for Gerri to give the impression that she can’t even manage her own sexual harassment would undermine her position. MUCH TO CONSIDER!
We cut straight from Gerri getting shivved to Kendall’s villa. When Kendall’s kids get bored of their screens and head inside, Kendall continues lying face down on a floatie in the pool. Before long, he loses his grip on his beer, and then loses his desire to keep his face out of the water.
How long before he starts sucking in water? Couple of minutes? Three? Four? Five?
- Peter: Black Widower?: We all thought Roman was opposed to the idea of Caroline marrying Peter (Pip Torrens) — and he has, indeed, arrived at the wedding having had Peter investigated, so he knows all about Peter’s many business failures — but no one talks more shit about him than Caroline herself. She refers to him as “Bridezilla.” She jokes about him making improvements at his nursing-home chain by laying off nurses, but when he’s wandered off, admits to Roman that even she can see Peter’s “awful.” When Roman dismisses Peter as “posh,” she corrects him: his father is a doctor and Peter himself a “grasping little scholarship boy.” Peter confirms Logan’s poor opinion of him at their latest meeting: instead of taking it as a hint when Logan declines to shake Peter’s proffered hand, Peter asks Logan to hook him up with his contacts in the British government; he wants to “give back” by going into politics — or, as Logan puts it to Roman, Peter wants Logan to help make him “Lord Fucking Seat Sniffer.” It really seems like Caroline should have a pre-nup.
- Marcia!: Marcia! Has come to the wedding! Is standing next to Logan for this awkward exchange with Peter! Has no lines! Caroline’s scandalous delight watching Logan and Marcia arrive together, trailed by Kerry is one of her most relatable moments in the series run.
- “Spotty Mother”: Shiv has been in a bad mood about her prospects at Waystar since before she got to Tuscany, but decides to be bitchy about something different: Caroline. The two snipe at each other about the fallout from Logan and Caroline’s divorce: Shiv remembers Caroline as a void who voluntarily gave custody of the children to Logan, whereas Caroline says she did it so the children would keep their Waystar shares. Finally, Caroline shrugs, “Truth is I probably should never have had children. You made the right decision. Some people just aren’t made to be mothers. I should have had dogs.” Shiv quietly says she could have, but Caroline wouldn’t have brought a pet into her relationship with Logan: “He never saw anything he loved that he didn’t want to kick it just to see if it would still come back.” So she’s protective of the hypothetical pets but not the ACTUAL CHILDREN Logan kicks every day? Woof.
- Baby Fever: Shiv goes from this exchange with her mother back to her suite, and guess what? She’s ready for a baby now! Love of Tom or consideration of his plans for their marriage didn’t get her there, but spite has! She urges him to talk dirty to her, and when he turns it back on her, she does, with gusto: “You’re not good enough for me….That’s why you love me….Even though I don’t love you.” Tom manages to push through and fornicate anyway, but he’d like to discuss things the next day, like: did she mean it about a baby? All she’s ready to commit to now is creating and freezing some embryos, which will keep for ten years. As for the dirty talk, she calls him “manipulative” for holding any terrible things against her that she said for “dirty fun.” “Sometimes I think, should I maybe listen to the things you say directly in my face when we’re at our most intimate?” Shiv laughs that off: “I may not love you, but I do love you. You know!” “I do know,” Tom sighs.
- More Wedding Bells: A reporter covering Connor wants a fuller picture of Willa’s background. She seems resigned to their breaking up, but Maxim had a different idea: Connor should propose! Willa pretends to say yes for the sake of the proposal’s spectators, but by the end of the episode she still hasn’t settled on an actual answer.
- The Kendall Roy Experience: Comfry has come on the trip with Kendall, which seems unnecessary since she is no longer fielding any media inquiries about him. Well, just one: some ex-reporters from the Globe are doing a podcast on the “curse of the Roys,” because: a lot of bad shit has happened to people who know them. For example, does Kendall remember a cater-waiter dying at Shiv’s wedding? Kendall’s got enough sense left to tell Comfry not to book him there, but he does ask her to keep tabs on where those podcasters may be headed….
Television Without Pity, Fametracker, and Previously.TV co-founder Tara Ariano has had bylines in The New York Times Magazine, Vanity Fair, Vulture, Slate, Salon, Mel Magazine, Collider, and The Awl, among others. She co-hosts the podcasts Extra Hot Great, Again With This (a compulsively detailed episode-by-episode breakdown of Beverly Hills, 90210 and Melrose Place), Listen To Sassy, and The Sweet Smell Of Succession. She’s also the co-author, with Sarah D. Bunting, of A Very Special 90210 Book: 93 Absolutely Essential Episodes From TV’s Most Notorious Zip Code (Abrams 2020). She lives in Austin.
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