Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
‘Pretty Sick Burn for a Bishop’
Police officers and National Guard troops attacked protesters with tear gas in Washington on Monday, just before President Trump took a walk from the White House to St. John’s Episcopal Church for what late-night hosts on Tuesday called a misguided photo op.
“Military police in your country attacked peaceful protesters, not looters, to stop them from exercising their First Amendment rights. Trump couldn’t have done more damage to the Constitution last night if he’d pulled a Sinead O’Connor and ripped it up on live television and then ate the pieces.” — SETH MEYERS
“The bishop of the St. John’s diocese said she was ‘outraged.’ She said: ‘Let me be clear: The president just used a Bible, the most sacred text of the Judeo-Christian tradition, and one of the churches of my diocese without permission as a backdrop for a message antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.’ Which is a pretty sick burn for a bishop.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Not only is that a horrific abuse of the office of the presidency and our military, the tear gas was completely unnecessary. When people see Trump walking toward them, they naturally cry and vomit.”— STEPHEN COLBERT
“Finally, Trump revealed his true reason for the mission: a photo op with his all-white advisers. Now, reportedly, the reason Trump wanted this meaningless photo — because ‘he was upset by coverage of the fact that he had been rushed to the underground bunker on Friday night.’ Not sure if he thought that one through. [as Trump] ‘Oh, they think I’m a coward, do they? I’ll show them. Quick, go assault a bunch of peaceful protesters. Daddy’s gotta frown in front of a church and hold a Bible like a fly swatter.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Bible Edition)
“Once the path was cleared for Caesar’s brave shamble, Trump made his way across the street to the boarded-up church, where he, with visible confusion and discomfort, groped a Bible. [imitating Trump] ‘I’ve only seen one of these — when I was sworn in. Let’s see if I can remember — I hold The Bible, then you raise your right hand. Is that it? Am I extra sworn in? Am I president double-stuffed?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“You can tell he’s a man of faith from the way he holds The Bible like he’s selling it on QVC.” — SETH MEYERS
“It’s The Bible, not an auction paddle. Looks like a camp counselor going through lost and found at the end of the summer. [as Trump] Is this anybody’s book? No pictures in it, so it’s certainly not mine.’” — SETH MEYERS
“[as Trump] I don’t have a Bible. My Bible, as always, is Hustler magazine. This thing is the most boring magazine I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t even have a centerfold, which is too bad because I heard Bathsheba had a pretty sweet can.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
W. Kamau Bell told Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” how his first blatant experience with racial profiling at age 10 has followed him through his adult life.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
On Wednesday, the “Watchmen” star Regina King will virtually pop by “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
Also, Check This Out
The “Tiger King” saga continued this week when an Oklahoma judge awarded the 16-acre animal zoo of Joseph Maldonado-Passage, also known as Joe Exotic, to his nemesis, Carole Baskin.